1) Have you ever had an emotional attachment to a tool or appliance? What is the longest you have kept a broken tool or appliance with no real intention of getting it fixed?
Barack Obama. I think he’s the answer to everything today. And he will surely be my default during this interview when I feel stumped, scared or constipated.
2) Have you ever won an election of any kind? What position was it? Have you ever declined a nomination?
I won my fifth grade presidential election by one vote. I voted for myself and my opponent voted for me as well, assuming I would know she was doing that, be courteous and vote for her as well. She cried for hours after she lost and I still feel so guilty about that, that I haven’t been able to run for anything since. In terms of declining nominations my wife nominated me to change my three-year olds’ diaper the other night and I declined thinking that this is my right since we live in a democracy. I have since found out that I do not live in a democracy and am now sleeping on the couch.
3) If you had to choose one language for the whole world to speak, what would it be?
The language of love. Pause. I thought that would sound funny. Did it? If not, my answer is Barack Obama.
4) What short story collection should someone read if are so depressed they don’t feel like eating?
I’m not sure if you are purposely testing whether I will my give in to my endlessly narcissistic and selfish self-promoting urges or not, and please note, that my use of the word “urges” has nothing to do with how attractive you are, though you are, very much so. Anyway, I will assume that was not your intention, and so what I won’t do is suggest my new short story collection Repetition Patterns which was just released Radiohead-style by CCLaP Publishing, is available at cclapcenter.com/patterns and is guaranteed to make you want to not just eat, but run, dance and live life to the fullest. Again though, I’m not going to do that, because it’s base, if not downright crass, and embarrasses both of us. Instead, I will recommend The Love Book by Ken Wohlrob which I recently read and really enjoyed. It’s quite fine. As are you.
5) When does looking at someone become staring?
That, that, right there, what you just did, that was staring. Please stop. It’s making me uncomfortable. And kind of aroused, which is bad, I’m at work and I need to concentrate.
6) Why do very small dogs tremble all the time?
My understanding is that it has something to do with the earth’s rotation, the moon’s gravitational pull and the dog’s size in relation to the contracting ozone layer. Well that and the fact that everyone hates small dogs, they know it and its upsetting to them. I’m guessing things will be different under the new administration though.
7) How do you decide if you are going to finish a book you’ve started? Do you ever feel compelled to finish a book simply because you’ve started it? Is there a point of no return, when, having read so far, you must finish? What is the furthest you have gotten into a book and not finished?
I think the real question is how can’t one feel compelled to finish a book, or anything for that matter, once they have started it? The fact is, I will always finish a book, or anything you put in front of me - peyote, Pop Rocks, what have you - just because it is there and by being so must be started and ultimately finished. I have no choice. And since I have no choice, for me there is no such thing as the point of no return. But don’t just take my word for it. You can ask my drug counselor, either of my first two wives or Axl Rose if you want to.
8) If you could erase the work of a musician or musical group from existence, and there would be no record of their music ever having been recorded, who would it be?
If I may be so bold, this seems like a very anti-Obama way of thinking, I mean why can’t we all just get along? Why be such a hater? That said, great question, where do I start? Michael Bolton or Kenny G are the natural starting points for this conversation, but so predictable, right? Nelson? Not a bad choice. But what about Kashagoogoo? I remember the first time I heard Kashagoogoo, I must have been in high school, no wait it was junior high school. We had been watching the Breakfast Club in my parent’s basement, what a beautiful movie, and when it was over we put on MTV. Martha Quinn was VJing that day, God she was cute, whatever happened to her? Anyway, the new Kashagoogoo video came on. Well, wait, first Take on Me came on by A-ha, man do you remember that black and white video they did for that tune, awesome, so cutting-edge. Ok, I digress, but after that Kashagoogoo came on, they were singing Too Shy, you know it was that video that took place in a club or something, it was actually kind of moving, stimulating even, it was for us anyway, and since we had been drinking some beer before that we were feeling kind of good, you know, I know you do, and we soon found ourselves hugging, and then kissing, it was really pretty cool…wait what was the question?
9) Do you work at a desk? If so, what is the strangest thing on your desk?
I do work at a desk. I’m even doing so now. It’s quite scintillating really and the strangest thing on my desk are the stacks and stacks of absentee ballots cast for John McCain from Ohio and Florida that mysteriously appeared some time before I got to the office this morning. I have no idea how they got here. I was home all night. I was watching MSNBC, continually updating my status on Facebook and making love to my wife. Ok, that last part isn’t true, we haven’t made love since Hillary conceded the Democratic nomination, but the rest of it is true. For real.
10) Can you do any magic tricks?
Now, how do you define magic tricks? I cannot saw people in half, nor could I make my second wife come home after the “incident,” but I do have the ability to reference my new novel Most Likely You Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine which was released Orange Alert Press (oapress.blogspot.com/) this past August regardless of the question asked. So, is that a magic trick, really good bridging or just a Palin-like disregard for what the interviewer is actually asking? I’m not sure, so let’s just call it a magic trick. Cool?
Much Love,
GBB
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