Dear Mr. McClanahan,
Christmas has been canceled. The manhunt is on. Santa Claus, if that is his real name is the subject of a global criminal investigation going back at least a hundred and fifty years and possibly over two thousand. As the public service announcements have advised, you sit next to your chimney with a loaded weapon. Santa has gone rogue.
Just as you start to nod off, an avalanche of soot tumbles down the flu. You bolt upright, cock your pistol, aim it at the cloud of ash dust billowing out of the fireplace, and wait. As the dust settles, you start to make out a shape stranger than you could have imagined. There it is.
Your APOSTROPE CAST INTERVIEW
This email interview will be published unedited. Only those questions you choose not to answer will be deleted.
What is the most important element of phone etiquette?
You should probably stay away from statements such as, “Hey Bob. Can I call you back? I just shit my pants.”
By literary standards what is the best Christmas short story? Have you ever celebrated Christmas in a way that would make a good literary Christmas story?
Being a young Jewish woman, I’m getting really sick of these goy like questions about Christmas. If pressed though, I’d have to say “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” or Shaft.
Does Coffee, Alcohol, Tobacco, or any other substance figure in your writing process? Is there a time of day or week or month that is more or less conducive to your writing?
Juicy Juice and methadone have always worked for me. Also, Tuesday in the month of February at 10:32 a.m. right after Regis and Kelly usually spells literary gold.
Have you ever dressed up as Santa Claus?
Does the fact that I’m wearing a pair of silver Santa panties right now count?
Do you hang mistletoe? Have you ever used strategically placed mistletoe to kiss someone you might otherwise have had difficulty kissing?
My sister. Is that weird? For some reason I feel like you’re trying to make me feel weird about that.
What is the worst character flaw a person can have?
I would say someone who is into homicide is never a good thing. If you have a nice personality though, that’s all that really matters.
Have you ever noticed someone you know has a terribly outdated picture of themselves posted on social media websites? How often do you update pictures of yourself on social media sites?
I weigh 570 pounds now. I guess you’re trying to drop me a little hint. Okay, I’ve gained a little weight. Excuuuuuuusssseee me Apostrophe Cast people.
Real or fake tree?
As Oscar Wilde and the aesthetics point out, “All art is useless. That’s why we should celebrate the plastic Christmas tree.” Besides that I’m from West Virginia. We’re always rocking the fake tree from Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is the modern day Oracle at Delphi if you ask me.
Merry Solstice, and so forth, etc.
GBB
Click here to listen to Scott McClanahan read “THIS IS A STORY WITH A PHONE NUMBER IN IT ” from his collection, Stories II, available now from Amazon.
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